A Cry For Help

Seriously... Life doesn't feel like all it's supposed to be cracked up to be. See, I was supposed to go back to school; FAFSA refuses to go through so I am most likely going to have to drop my classes. I live with my inlaws; New fight every day. We don't make enough money to pay our bills and get us into our own place; New fight every day + a miserable existence. I try to make the best of it, I apply for everything I possibly can, and get denied for it all because there isnt sufficient information or we make just over the limit allowed to receive any form of benefits. 

I would go back to work, but my hip is jacked up and Im on a light duty scrip. Got fired for it from Walmart. And yet I dont qualify for disability. BS!!!! Our government SUCKS. Especially Utah. Im so tired of trying... No matter where I turn all I get is no, sorry we cant help you... What am I supposed to do? On top of everything, my meds dont work and Im getting more and more depressed about everything every day. Its like I cant catch a break. 

I cant do anything to make it all go away because no one will help. No one CAN help because everyone in this damn country is broke. I keep getting told to pray, to try to find a job, to do this and do that. Well sorry, folks, it aint cuttin it. I just dont know what to do anymore...

ZOMBIES!!!

Yes, you read my title correctly. Zombies. Its the topic of the century it seems. With so much experimentation going on, there's no telling when the zombie apocalypse will begin. Yeah I know I sound like a dorky nerd, but think about it. There has been so much experimentation on the human brain alone, not counting animal brains, trying to bring them back to "life". Is it not likely that it could get seriously out of control, with the government and others thinking they can contain something they don't truly understand? So yes, I am making a plan. An emergency plan. And not just for zombies.


I urge you all to do the same thing I am about to tell you I am doing. Once we have our own apartment, I am going to begin my own emergency preparedness plans. I am going to stock up on non-perishable foods, blankets, hygiene items, water, etc. Everything one could need. Its a good idea to have spare items and parts for vehicles and appliances as well. And things such as candles, first aid kits, extra medication and the like. No Im not just planning for a zombie apocalypse.


As Ive said, yes I believe a zombie infestation is inevitable, but I also believe other disasters inevitable as well. Floods, typhoons, hurricanes, fires, volcanoes, earthquakes, etc. Anything is possible in the eyes of the lord as I see it. 


So today I was watching "You've Got Mail", and decided something. I need to work on opening my bookstore somehow, but I really have no idea where to start. I already have a name picked out for it and know how I want to set it up but have no idea how to get the funding for it and such. Im excited to have a bookstore someday and want to get started on it quickly. Anyone know of any helpful tips?? HEHE 


Well this has been a short blurb for today, but I am too tired to blog more incessant babble, so I will babble some more tomorrow!!!

Strike Me DOWN!

SO. I have come to a realization. Blogging is not much of a niche for many of my friends. And neither is reading them. HAHA. Not many people have viewed my blog. So it makes me think. How many of the worlds population actually do this? Me, I do it just to make my brain think and to get some things out of it that need to be free in order for me to be able to function, think straight, be human again. I like babbling, especially when it makes people happy. So I think I will come up with some cool little thing to do in my blogs to keep them interesting. 


What should I DO???? An advice bit, a quote of the day, what? Anyone have an idea? Message me on Facebook if you do. Because I think it'd be fun! 


Anywho, new games that have come out recently. I have heard so many different excitements about quite a few games! Skyrim, Assassins Creed Revalations, Skyward Sword, Modern Warfare 3, etc. Its so fun! Im excited for Assassins Creed. I love the games. MW3 is pretty exciting, especially with my explosive personality. ;) Wanna know what thats like? Add me on xbox 360 and Ill show you. ^.^ 


Been in a creative mood lately, feeling very down to earth with it all. LOVE the brain stuff swimming around in my thoughts. Been writing AND doodling! GO ME!!! Im excited. Yes. OH Speaking of excited! Im excited for CHRISTMAS!!!! Yes, I said CHRISTMAS!!!! You got a problem with it, bite me. We respect everyone elses religious things, why should we change our holiday spirit to fit the rest of the worlds demands? Freedom of speech and all that, jerks. 


Anyway, CHRISTMAS. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! Its so much fun, I love the lights and songs and foods and drinks that all come with it!!! I love the chance to fill someones hearts, and empty space under the tree when they really need it and seeing their family's eyes light up with joy when they realize, they DO have a christmas!!! Sadly, though, this year we will barely be able to afford a few things for our baby, but if I can figure out how to do something for someone this year, BY JEEBUS I WILL!!!!! I LOVE YOU ALL, MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, ASSALAMU ALAIKUM!!!! And goodnight! :) 

Anal Much?

OH MY GAWD. Sometimes I cant stand people. Remember my antisocial-causing disabilities? Well they make me hate pretty much anyone I live with. Simply because everyone has their own issues about where they want things, how they want things cleaned, etc. See this I can handle to an extent. Notice, I said TO AN EXTENT. It irks me whenever I am told I have to do this, by this day at this hour, etc. 


Anal-ness is growing to be a major problem with me these days. I HATE anal people. All of you are probably thinking, "Is she talking about the butt sex?". You sick ass perverts, no I am NOT. I am talking about people from the above paragraph, with a size 400 dress of anal-retentiveness. If you're anal about something... I DONT BLOODY CARE. Be anal with yourself, not me. 


MOVING ON. We are FINALLY investigating some apartments/houses!!! Hopefully one of them will work out. Or I may become a homicidal, suicidal maniac. With a craving for pastries... 


...I think I need to get my meds updated lol. I seem to be having random bouts of babbling, insanity and pissiness. ^.^  Tiny baby is growing to be not so tiny nowadays... Hes getting so fat he is only 4 months old, wearing 6-12 month clothes... Hmmm. HES A LITTLE PIGGY!!! OK BYE PEOPLE!!!!! 

Holy Hand Grenade!

 Holy stuff happening since the last time I got on this thing! I had my beautiful baby boy, David Robert, on July 22, 2011. We went home a few days later after I had to have a c-section because he was all sideways and jacked up. Twelve hours later I was back in the hospital with congestive heart failure! YAY ME!!! They let me go home about a week later after draining 36 pounds of fluid out of me. HAHAHA. A day later my baby choked on his spit up and turned blue. HOLY MOTHER OF ALL SCARES. I got him breathing before the ambulance even showed up though... which took all ove three minutes because they are right around the corner.

He was later diagnosed with severe GERD. THEN we discovered he was allergic to dairy and I had to cut out dairy from my diet to nurse him and then turn his formula to Soy when i could no longer nurse. My beautiful baby boy is CHUNKY!!!! Oh my heck! He refuses baby food and only wants real, pureed food. Or he wont eat it! 


So I had a job for a bit, but because of my bad hip, I lost it... Which brings me to another point. A dear friend of mine, my baby's godmother, opened my eyes to this wonderful article. The Spoon Theory has helped me to explain to some people what I have to live with, and how it affects me. For the longest time Ive had to just pretend Im nothing but a stuck up, jerkish bitch. Because there was no way for me to explain it to people. 


See, there's a reason I keep away from people unless I know them well. There's a reason I struggle to get up in the morning, or to bother with everyday things like washing dishes. Its physically and emotionally exhausting to even think about doing anything more than rolling over in bed. My problems can amount to irritability, sickness, emotional outbursts, crying uncontrollably for no reason, or for the smallest things, and aches and pains. Some days I feel good, others I feel terrible. Mostly Im on the crap end of that stick. So I guess, all I can say about it is I dont have many spoons, and Im almost always low. 


Yes, I have debilitating medical issues, one of them is depression. Depression is the main reason for most of my problems and everything said above. Because of this, I constantly want to go out, when im feeling up to it, to try and forget about it, to make it better. When I cant, I pace the house, irritable and grouchy with no one to turn on but my husband. It doesnt help the relationship much. But we do what we can to work it out when it hits rough. 


Finances these days dont help that situation, and makes it even more stressful. We work things out the best we can, and try to find hope in everything. Sometimes we cant, and thats when we are at our worst, me with anxiety and panic, hubby with anger and panic... 


Moving on, I recently did facepainting/caricatures with my good friend/babys godmother. We did pretty well, and I am always very impressed with her artwork. It amazes me how well someone can do some of the things she does. I'm hoping since Im no longer employed, we can continue with the facepainting/caricature gig. Just gotta find some interested clientelle. I hope I can find SOMETHING... 

Long Time No Blog?

So I have come to realize I am very neglectful of my blog. Sad day! I should update you guys shouldn't I?! And so here I am, doing just that. :) 

The baby is doing SPLENDIDLY, taking over mommy's belly. He currently has this game going where anytime I try to move or lay down, he kicks me square in the gut. And when he gets hiccups, watching my belly is like watching one of those tidal pools you find at waterparks. He is very lively, very excitable and VERY large. I have renamed him "Baby Big Head." So if I randomly start going on about Baby Big Head, you know exactly who I'm talking about. 

Mommy on the other hand is constantly getting beat up from within, tired, stressed out, emotional and just drained all in all. Its hard to get much done when you cant bend over without the baby's foot ending up in your lung. I am very excited to see my baby's cute little pudgy face when he's born. And I have a feeling it will be sooner than everyone thinks. Don't ask me why I feel this way, I just do.

Which brings me to my next point. Baby Big Head arriving soon has made me realize just how much has not yet been done. And how much I HAVE to do. Still working on the moving plans, have to organize and put together the baby stuff, figure out all the bills, and soon take care of a baby in the middle of it all. I am SO excited to be able to do things again!!! The belly and the fatigue and pain have kept me from doing so much, Im excited to be able to walk alot, exercise, clean, organize and be me!!! :D 

So thats it for now, I think. Anyone have any questions or anything, feel free to hit me up on Facebook or text me! :) I will let you know as soon as Baby Big Head shows up!!!

On Death

So... Bin Laden is dead. Killed by the U.S. Military. After murdering so many, was he surprised when we found him? Was he surprised when we took him out for all the pain he had caused? I hope so. He'll never see those Virgins. I've seen people happy, excited and celebrating, and I've seen people BERATING the people celebrating because he's dead. We have a reason to celebrate. Because of this one, horrible man, so many people have suffered, and so many more have died. The saying "Kill one, save millions." has been seen numerous times, and this is one of those where it counts. 

Others say this is not the end of the war, so why celebrate at all? Bin Laden was the face of the Al Qaida. Yeah, someone is probably going to step into his place, but the thing is, they are weakened as it is without Bin Laden. Because he is gone, we have come one step closer to bringing everyone home, out of harm's way. It may get worse before it gets better, we may have more uprisings and such, but another saying "It's always darkest before the dawn." fits well here. We may not see much happen for awhile in the way of people coming home, but the day when we do is much closer than it was. 

As for those who think its not right to be happy about his death and think "God" will judge him and that's the final say? A. Not everyone believes in god. And B. Yeah, he'll be judged by some higher power, but as for those of us that KNOW what he did, and know how badly he's hurt so many people, we rejoice in the fact that he can no longer cause pain, no longer cause fear. 

Now onto my opinion: Bin Laden was a murderer. He was a terrorist, a man who took more lives than he could count to in his entire lifetime. He deserved the death he received, and I am doubting he'll ever see those virgins. I hope the person that took him out is given the highest honor possibly named in the entire planet. I'm proud of the people that took him down. And I have a big smile on my face knowing Bin Laden is dead. 

I feel for all the innocents harmed in this war. I hope it can end soon. 

Twiddly Thumbs

Not much has happened here lately, like... ooberly anyway. My mother inlaw moved in with us to give her a chance to pick herself up a little, and its been an adventure to say the least. She's fun to be around, and has been such an immense help to me, even though she may not know it. She found herself a job and is doing quite well with us. 

I however, am still struggling, not in a bad way, but just struggling with pregnancy. Everything feels weird, its harder for me to get up and down, I'm ALWAYS thirsty, drinking anything I can get my hands on, etc. Haha. 


Still trying to plan a move, save up money, and keep things running. Of course, it would help if the economy wasn't so crummy. Sometimes, I feel like it would be easier to live in a cardboard box, but I think Id miss the plumbing. I miss the beach so much. I hope this move makes me feel better. I feel like I've been in hell much too long. The sand between my toes (and everywhere else), the sun on my face while the waves wash up and foam all over the sand... catching shells as they wash out to sea. I miss it. I miss everything about it. One thing I would never ever miss in my entire life is snow. I HATE snow. Its too cold, depressing and pushes the sun away... 


Whether or not we manage the move, I wanna go to the beach. Rawr. EXCITEMENT!!! I will keep joo all updated on the move and the family and the baby!!! :) Keep reading!!
 

What To Say...

There really isn't much to say these days. Most of my thoughts have been going in circles. I'm still depressed, which is kind of even more depressing because I can't take my meds for it. I found out I am slightly anemic, and we are still waiting to find out if the placenta moved or not. I feel depressingly crappy, my stomach keeps tightening, I can't stop coughing, I feel sick and I'm always tired now. (The fatigue is due somewhat to the anemia, according to the doctor.) But my glucose test came back ok, so I don't have gestational diabetes as of yet. My blood pressure has apparently been slightly high the entire time, too lol.

Not much else going on at this end. Oh, though we did move the mother inlaw in. She's pretty cool. Hopefully this will help her some. And Cody and I are willing to do what's needed. :) Well, that's about it, so I'm gonna go sleep again!!! YAY SLEEP!!!......UGH.

Rawr...

So much going on, so many emotions and thoughts crashing against each other inside my brain. Makes me sick... Tomorrow we start a new chapter, kind of nervous, but I hope it helps my hubby realize how much I love him and want him to be happy. The fears and terrors in my dreams and thoughts terrify me... Why can't I be somewhat normal with a happy life that doesn't always seem to crumble around my ears???

I should be sleeping, but can't seem to. Guh. Anyone wanna play chess? Yeah that would put me to sleep... Someone challenge me!!! :D

To Be Dismissed

So it seems I have begun to fade. From everyone's minds and hearts, I'm no longer there. Friends who I thought were friends have forgotten me, enemies I believed would stab me in the back at any turn have surprised me by doing quite the opposite. I keep thinking to myself, what have I become? Why am I feeling so alone? My marriage, my family, my friends... Everything seems so wrong, everything seems to be desolate and despairing. Is it just me? The hormones fucking with my brain? Yes I AM off my depression meds for the term of my pregnancy, but this is something entirely new. I have never felt so alone in my life. 

Pain that no one could ever describe rips my heart to shreds, when no one is looking. The flashes of it can't be seen in my eyes, for they are dark as it is. No one seems to notice, nor do they need to care. I sit here alone, fighting myself, which voice is right? The one saying I'm worthless, useless? Or the one telling me to hold on. It seems when I listen to the second voice, everything will get better for a few minutes, and then fall apart worse than it had before. Where is the silver lining to my fucked up cloud? Where is the pot of gold at the end of my gray-scale rainbow? Where is the light at the end of my tunnel? Living with depression is hard enough, but living with this... whatever it is? I feel like I am a shell, an empty shell. A shell that when you find on the beach, it has no beautiful qualities, or is missing a chip or two, and is discarded for a prettier, larger more useful conch. Am I that misshapen a person? Is my heart that black? Who can see the pain, the hurt? When all they see is a bitch? One that deserves the pain she reaps upon herself? Is this true of me?

Not Much? PFF.

So I totally just realized I have neglected my wonderful readers. But, unfortunately there really isn't much going on. Unless of course, you count our Sir Squishy antagonizing poor mommy!! HAHA. I was reading a book, resting my arm on the side of my stomach, and the baby kicked the hardest it has ever kicked. My book nearly fell out of my hand. The baby is slowly incubating... wish there was a fast forward button for these things. 

Wow... really not much to say... Either that or I am so deprived of sleep I just can't remember what all has been going on. Could be a bit of both. Also still wondering whether or not to start school now, so I have some finished before Squishy is born. But, whenever I start school, something seems to mess it up. The first time, I couldnt GET to school, leading to my drop in classes, and the second time I moved too far from the school, hence another drop in classes. I gotta find the right way of going about school for me. I'm thinking online. Only problem is, my main career choice (second to my writing career choice) is Auto-mechanics. Which I'm pretty sure I can't learn online... unless the interwebs begin integrating holographics here soon. Which would be totally awesome... *sends email to Bill Gates* Anywho, that is my babble for the day... or at least a semblance of it. :) Adieu!!! 

Something Worth Saying?

Nobody knows the... wait why is that song stuck in my head? No idea. Anyway, I've been contemplating again. Scary, I know. But there have been many things on my mind. Like when I should try and begin online classes, how the move will affect the baby, stresses about the book(s) I'm writing, etc. BUT. I have an awesome husband helping me and guiding me through everything, at every turn. Now, I know only like... one person has ever read this blog, lol, so I'm just gonna say this out loud. I'm in love with chili cheese fries. Don't like it? Too bad. :P 

Of course I seem to have lost my mind for today, but I still had to say something. OH!!! And we found me the most comfortable office chair EVER at the D.I.!!! I'm so happy and excited, I can now sit at my desk without the chair trying to break my ass-bone!!! YAY!!!

Updates on the baby for those of you keeping tabs on me: When we went to get the 20 week ultrasound, the placenta was lying low, so the doctor is keeping an eye on that. She said it's possible I will need a C-section, but that it's unlikely as long as the placenta has moved. Keep hoping. Also, I was tested early for Gestational Diabetes, as I was showing signs of it. Still waiting on the news from that. We've felt the little flutter kicks of the baby, and seen the gender. It's a boy, and proud of it, it seems. HAHA. We have a few names picked out so far, but are going to wait until the baby is born to actually dub him. Until then, he is Sir Squishy. Simply because he is squishing all my organs. And yes, the baby likes chili cheese fries. With a passion. 

Our living room is crammed with boxes of crap I get to go through and pack. I'm definitely not excited about that part, but it will make the move much easier when it comes around. Still planning a big yard sale, and maybe even a car wash. Hehe, if anyone is interested in joining, please let me know via Facebook, text, or email. So exciting!!! 

Today's Babble

So I went to bed last night with a icky cough, then woke up this morning with my chest all congested. HAHA we went to lunch and I got Horchata and Flan, making the phlegm worse. EWWWWW PHLEGM. Anywho, I am doing quite well with my pregnancy so far. Sir Squishy is behaving, no problems. They did test me for Gestational Diabetes, and they want me to get my gallbladder looked at, and my placenta is lying low, but my doctors are not worried. :) 

There's a lot going on, not all of it happy, but everything will work out at some point. Our room mates moved out, so we have the house mostly to ourselves. Unfortunately our landlord is creeping me out, walking into our room if the bedroom door is open and talking to me when he knows I'm the only one home. Very awkward. But its okay. We won't be there much longer, and he's being very nice to us letting us stay for what we were paying to begin with. 

Hopefully soon, the hubby and I will be able to fix up the car, too. The sunroof... Ah the sunroof. I seem to have an anger problem when it comes to my husband's dysfunctional sunroof, and tried to pound it back down... which resulted in it being pushed INTO the car. HAHA. 

....Glad im not taking any of my meds. I decided not to when my doctor told me it was up to me. After I made the decision not to, I began seeing commercials for the meds I'm on, one of them caused heart defects and the other caused all sorts of deformities when taken during pregnancy. Glad I followed my gut.... Which I am actually beginning to follow now, since its getting so big. HAHA I made a funny!!! Well, since I'm done spamming my blog, I guess I'll sign off it now lol. 

Blog Spew!

Ok, so I once more have a new blog! Xanga was getting annoying and had me constantly needing to update my password, wanting more and more crap from me, etc. Bleh. So anyway! I am now 22 weeks pregnant, with a tiny baby boy in my belly!! OMG YAY!!! And he made it quite obvious he was a boy when I went for my 20 week ultrasound. 

For those of you who do not know yet, my husband and I are currently living on our own with our little furball Fidget, who meows at our door every night because she's lonely. One of these days she'll have a little buddy, hopefully. Our son is currently known as Sir Squishy, as we have decided to name him the day he is born. Until then, we will come up with a few names to choose from on that day. 

Also, Cody and I are looking at moving to either Arizona or Oregon about two weeks after the baby is born. Yes, in honor of my Indian heritage, im popping out the baby and move one lol. We are not absolutely positive that this move will happen yet, but we are trying very hard to make it so. We are planning on having a very large yard sale and possibly a bake sale. We have thought about this and will be making the necessary plans, in other words, making sure everything is taken care of, we have jobs, etc. lined up, and we will not leave anything to chance with this move. Not with our little munchkin appearing so close to the move date. So please everyone, do not panic. Lol. 

As for life lately, I have a beach ball that gets in my way when I try to reach something, I can't get off my own bed, and I haven't seen my feet since February. Other than that, I have begun my nesting stage and my poor husband and sister in law felt the heat of that one. They're still feeling it in fact. I spent one day cooking freezer meals, the second sanitizing and organizing the house and the third moving the rest of our stuff in. Now I get to go through THOSE boxes. HAHA!!! ...Yeah not actually excited about that one lol. 

I'm considering going back to subbing at my mom's school to help save for our move... But I'm not sure if I can physically do it. I know I am healthy enough and the baby is in no danger so far, but my exhaustion levels rise fairly quickly. But since the school uses their aides as subs, and they call in a "sub" for the aide, who only stays part of the day normally, I think maybe I can. I want to try. That means getting my fingerprints again... Shmoof. What do you guys think??? And if I don't, what else could a pregnant lady do?

:)