So it seems I have begun to fade. From everyone's minds and hearts, I'm no longer there. Friends who I thought were friends have forgotten me, enemies I believed would stab me in the back at any turn have surprised me by doing quite the opposite. I keep thinking to myself, what have I become? Why am I feeling so alone? My marriage, my family, my friends... Everything seems so wrong, everything seems to be desolate and despairing. Is it just me? The hormones fucking with my brain? Yes I AM off my depression meds for the term of my pregnancy, but this is something entirely new. I have never felt so alone in my life.
Pain that no one could ever describe rips my heart to shreds, when no one is looking. The flashes of it can't be seen in my eyes, for they are dark as it is. No one seems to notice, nor do they need to care. I sit here alone, fighting myself, which voice is right? The one saying I'm worthless, useless? Or the one telling me to hold on. It seems when I listen to the second voice, everything will get better for a few minutes, and then fall apart worse than it had before. Where is the silver lining to my fucked up cloud? Where is the pot of gold at the end of my gray-scale rainbow? Where is the light at the end of my tunnel? Living with depression is hard enough, but living with this... whatever it is? I feel like I am a shell, an empty shell. A shell that when you find on the beach, it has no beautiful qualities, or is missing a chip or two, and is discarded for a prettier, larger more useful conch. Am I that misshapen a person? Is my heart that black? Who can see the pain, the hurt? When all they see is a bitch? One that deserves the pain she reaps upon herself? Is this true of me?
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