Twiddly Thumbs

Not much has happened here lately, like... ooberly anyway. My mother inlaw moved in with us to give her a chance to pick herself up a little, and its been an adventure to say the least. She's fun to be around, and has been such an immense help to me, even though she may not know it. She found herself a job and is doing quite well with us. 

I however, am still struggling, not in a bad way, but just struggling with pregnancy. Everything feels weird, its harder for me to get up and down, I'm ALWAYS thirsty, drinking anything I can get my hands on, etc. Haha. 


Still trying to plan a move, save up money, and keep things running. Of course, it would help if the economy wasn't so crummy. Sometimes, I feel like it would be easier to live in a cardboard box, but I think Id miss the plumbing. I miss the beach so much. I hope this move makes me feel better. I feel like I've been in hell much too long. The sand between my toes (and everywhere else), the sun on my face while the waves wash up and foam all over the sand... catching shells as they wash out to sea. I miss it. I miss everything about it. One thing I would never ever miss in my entire life is snow. I HATE snow. Its too cold, depressing and pushes the sun away... 


Whether or not we manage the move, I wanna go to the beach. Rawr. EXCITEMENT!!! I will keep joo all updated on the move and the family and the baby!!! :) Keep reading!!
 

What To Say...

There really isn't much to say these days. Most of my thoughts have been going in circles. I'm still depressed, which is kind of even more depressing because I can't take my meds for it. I found out I am slightly anemic, and we are still waiting to find out if the placenta moved or not. I feel depressingly crappy, my stomach keeps tightening, I can't stop coughing, I feel sick and I'm always tired now. (The fatigue is due somewhat to the anemia, according to the doctor.) But my glucose test came back ok, so I don't have gestational diabetes as of yet. My blood pressure has apparently been slightly high the entire time, too lol.

Not much else going on at this end. Oh, though we did move the mother inlaw in. She's pretty cool. Hopefully this will help her some. And Cody and I are willing to do what's needed. :) Well, that's about it, so I'm gonna go sleep again!!! YAY SLEEP!!!......UGH.

Rawr...

So much going on, so many emotions and thoughts crashing against each other inside my brain. Makes me sick... Tomorrow we start a new chapter, kind of nervous, but I hope it helps my hubby realize how much I love him and want him to be happy. The fears and terrors in my dreams and thoughts terrify me... Why can't I be somewhat normal with a happy life that doesn't always seem to crumble around my ears???

I should be sleeping, but can't seem to. Guh. Anyone wanna play chess? Yeah that would put me to sleep... Someone challenge me!!! :D

To Be Dismissed

So it seems I have begun to fade. From everyone's minds and hearts, I'm no longer there. Friends who I thought were friends have forgotten me, enemies I believed would stab me in the back at any turn have surprised me by doing quite the opposite. I keep thinking to myself, what have I become? Why am I feeling so alone? My marriage, my family, my friends... Everything seems so wrong, everything seems to be desolate and despairing. Is it just me? The hormones fucking with my brain? Yes I AM off my depression meds for the term of my pregnancy, but this is something entirely new. I have never felt so alone in my life. 

Pain that no one could ever describe rips my heart to shreds, when no one is looking. The flashes of it can't be seen in my eyes, for they are dark as it is. No one seems to notice, nor do they need to care. I sit here alone, fighting myself, which voice is right? The one saying I'm worthless, useless? Or the one telling me to hold on. It seems when I listen to the second voice, everything will get better for a few minutes, and then fall apart worse than it had before. Where is the silver lining to my fucked up cloud? Where is the pot of gold at the end of my gray-scale rainbow? Where is the light at the end of my tunnel? Living with depression is hard enough, but living with this... whatever it is? I feel like I am a shell, an empty shell. A shell that when you find on the beach, it has no beautiful qualities, or is missing a chip or two, and is discarded for a prettier, larger more useful conch. Am I that misshapen a person? Is my heart that black? Who can see the pain, the hurt? When all they see is a bitch? One that deserves the pain she reaps upon herself? Is this true of me?

Not Much? PFF.

So I totally just realized I have neglected my wonderful readers. But, unfortunately there really isn't much going on. Unless of course, you count our Sir Squishy antagonizing poor mommy!! HAHA. I was reading a book, resting my arm on the side of my stomach, and the baby kicked the hardest it has ever kicked. My book nearly fell out of my hand. The baby is slowly incubating... wish there was a fast forward button for these things. 

Wow... really not much to say... Either that or I am so deprived of sleep I just can't remember what all has been going on. Could be a bit of both. Also still wondering whether or not to start school now, so I have some finished before Squishy is born. But, whenever I start school, something seems to mess it up. The first time, I couldnt GET to school, leading to my drop in classes, and the second time I moved too far from the school, hence another drop in classes. I gotta find the right way of going about school for me. I'm thinking online. Only problem is, my main career choice (second to my writing career choice) is Auto-mechanics. Which I'm pretty sure I can't learn online... unless the interwebs begin integrating holographics here soon. Which would be totally awesome... *sends email to Bill Gates* Anywho, that is my babble for the day... or at least a semblance of it. :) Adieu!!! 

Something Worth Saying?

Nobody knows the... wait why is that song stuck in my head? No idea. Anyway, I've been contemplating again. Scary, I know. But there have been many things on my mind. Like when I should try and begin online classes, how the move will affect the baby, stresses about the book(s) I'm writing, etc. BUT. I have an awesome husband helping me and guiding me through everything, at every turn. Now, I know only like... one person has ever read this blog, lol, so I'm just gonna say this out loud. I'm in love with chili cheese fries. Don't like it? Too bad. :P 

Of course I seem to have lost my mind for today, but I still had to say something. OH!!! And we found me the most comfortable office chair EVER at the D.I.!!! I'm so happy and excited, I can now sit at my desk without the chair trying to break my ass-bone!!! YAY!!!

Updates on the baby for those of you keeping tabs on me: When we went to get the 20 week ultrasound, the placenta was lying low, so the doctor is keeping an eye on that. She said it's possible I will need a C-section, but that it's unlikely as long as the placenta has moved. Keep hoping. Also, I was tested early for Gestational Diabetes, as I was showing signs of it. Still waiting on the news from that. We've felt the little flutter kicks of the baby, and seen the gender. It's a boy, and proud of it, it seems. HAHA. We have a few names picked out so far, but are going to wait until the baby is born to actually dub him. Until then, he is Sir Squishy. Simply because he is squishing all my organs. And yes, the baby likes chili cheese fries. With a passion. 

Our living room is crammed with boxes of crap I get to go through and pack. I'm definitely not excited about that part, but it will make the move much easier when it comes around. Still planning a big yard sale, and maybe even a car wash. Hehe, if anyone is interested in joining, please let me know via Facebook, text, or email. So exciting!!!